Forgiveness
by DysfunctionalNightmare
Summary: My version of Castiel's return. I'm super nervous about ep17 & have given it way too much thought. This little fic idea wouldn't leave me alone so I thought I'd share. WARNINGS: S7 spoilers. No slash. Way Angsty/Sappy


_"Dean?" Cas asks._

_"What, do you need something else?" Dean asks, turning to look at him._

_"No, I feel regret. About you and what I did to Sam," Cas confesses looking guilty._

_"Yeah, well you should," Dean answers coldly, turning his back._

_"If there was time, if I were strong enough. I'd fix him now. I just wanted to make amends before I die," Cas pleads._

_"Ok," Dean answers dryly._

_"Is it working?" Cas asks._

_"Does it make you feel better?" Dean returns._

_"No. You?"_

_"Not a bit."_

_Cas stands in front of the symbol as Bobby reads the ritual._

_"I'm sorry Dean," he said turning back, looking pathetic and beaten._

_The souls are sucked out and Cas falls to the floor, it looks like he is dead. Dean and Bobby check him. He's cold and not breathing. Suddenly his injuries are healed and he wakes up._

_"That was unpleasant," Cas says as Dean and Bobby sit him up. _

_"I'm ashamed. I really over reached. I will find some way to redeem myself to you," Cas promises._

_"Alright, well one thing at a time. C'mon let's get you outta here," Dean says as he urges him forward._

_"I mean it Dean."_

_"Ok, alright."_

_"You need to run. Now! I can't hold them back," Cas says, as he pushes Dean and Bobby away from himself._

_"Hold who back?" Dean asks._

_"They held on inside of me. Dean they're so strong. Leviathan," Cas explains, hunching over in pain, struggling to keep the monsters inside. _

_"Go get Sam!" Dean urges Bobby._

_"Too late," it says with a sinister smirk._

_"Cas?" Dean asks._

_"Cas is, hmm..he's gone. He's..dead. We run the show now."_

Dean wakes up in a cold sweat eyes wide breathing heavy. The all too familiar nightmare fresh in his head Dean gets up and walks to the bathroom stepping lightly as to not wake up Sam. His little brother had sleep problems of his own since the wall came down.

Dean stood in front of the sink and looked into the mirror. _I just wanted to make amends...I'm sorry Dean...I'll find a way to redeem myself to you. _He could hear the angel as if he were standing in the room next to him. He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water in his face.

_He just wanted to say he was sorry, you asshole. He was looking for any little bit of hope you could forgive him and you wouldn't even give him that. After all he's done for you, you couldn't even give in a little fucking bit. No, of course not...you're a Winchester._

Dean shut his eyes tightly and sucked in a deep breath. He couldn't look at himself anymore. Looking himself in the eye had been tough after Cas died and it only got worse after Bobby was killed. He couldn't keep anyone he loved alive anymore. And Sam, well Sam was one step away from the nut house. Dean didn't know what it would be or when it would come, but he was waiting for that final blow that would snap the thread he was hanging on by.

The next morning Dean woke up to find Sam talking to himself in the bathroom. The hallucinations were obviously in full swing but Sam was refusing to talk about it. All he'd say was he was fine.

_I'm fine, right. Which in our family translates to, I'm about to have a fucking break down. _

The next few days were uneventful. Dean was trying to track Dick who was leaving him with nothing to go on. Sam had been quiet and was currently looking for something to hunt, but wasn't having any luck either.

"Are you hungry?" Sam asked.

"Uh yeah, I guess," Dean answered, not looking up from the computer screen.

"I need to get outta here for awhile. Can I take the Impala and go get us something?" Sam asked hopefully. Dean hadn't been letting him out of his sight the past few weeks and the constant contact was getting to both of them.

"Is that you asking or Satan?" Dean asked disapprovingly.

"Me ok, just me. C'mon Dean you have to leave me alone some time," Sam answered frustrated.

"Fine. But you tell Lucifer if he doesn't let you come back with my baby I'll hunt his ass down," Dean said, finally looking at Sam.

"I'll do that," Sam said, rolling his eyes.

A few minutes after Sam left Dean heard a knock at the door.

"I thought you needed time alo..." Dean started to say as he opened the door, and abruptly stopped when he saw who was on the other side.

"Hello Dean," greeted the familiar gruff voice.

He was different. He was dressed in distressed grey jeans, a dark grey shirt and black hoody. But he was also exactly the same. His hair was messy and he had a decent scruff going. Dean stood there, mouth parted, eyes wide for a few seconds, then before he knew what he was doing he reached out and pulled the man into a tight embrace. At first the other man was frigid to the contact but then he loosened up and returned the gesture. They stood there quietly for a few minutes just like that. A thousand thoughts raced through Dean's head before he finally brought himself to pull away.

"Cas?" Dean asked, his voice raspy and cracking due to emotion.

"Yes Dean, it's me. For the most part anyway," Cas answered.

"What..why.._how?_" Dean asked bewildered.

"May I come in?" Cas asked, gesturing to the room.

"Uh yeah, sure," Dean answered, scratching the back of his head nervously, moving out of the other mans way.

Dean motioned to the table on the other side of the room and they both went to sit down. They sat across from each other silently for a few long awkward minutes before one of them finally spoke.

"I'm sure you have a lot of questions," Cas said stating the obvious, trying to break the ice.

"Starting with the three from before, yes. Then we'll see," Dean answered, eying him cautiously.

Dean was filled with a mix of a million different thoughts, questions and emotions. He wanted more than anything for this to really be Cas, _his _Cas, not that thing that was in his body the last time they seen each other or that other guy Cas had been the few months prior. Dean wanted the old Castiel back, the one who rebelled for him, the one who couldn't get laid in a whore house, the one who tilted his head in confusion to any of his many pop culture references. But as much as he wanted that, he feared the worst. This wasn't _his _angel at all, it was just that final blow he'd been waiting for and it came in the cruelest way imaginable.

"I do not know the answer to those questions Dean," Cas answered.

"Should I start with easier ones then?" Dean asked sarcastically. "Fine. Why are you here?"

"I-I came to try and make amends. I heard about Bobby and I'm sorry," Cas answered, looking down at his fidgeting hands.

The familiar words rang in Dean's ear. He didn't know how or why he was back but he knew this was Cas, the real Cas. He could _feel_ it.

"What did you finally get a hold of an angel hall pass to come tell me that. Bobby died 2 months ago," Dean said, more bitterly than he intended.

"I came as soon as I heard," Cas said, avoiding eye contact and absently twirling the strings to his hoody.

"Well, your angel radio must be slow then. And what's with the fidgeting you're acting like..." Dean started to say, when he suddenly realized.

_He knocked on the door.,.he's been nervously fidgeting since he got here...he just heard about Bobby._

"You're human," Dean said quietly.

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"I woke up, I guess you would say, at the bottom of that lake suddenly in very desperate need of air. I had always breathed while using my vessel, but that was to keep up human appearances, not out of necessity. I found my way to the shore and crawled out. I sat there for a few minutes catching my breath and started to feel cold. I started to notice other things I was feeling and realization struck, I was human. It felt even worse than that other time I woke up in the hospital human, because this time I knew I was alone," Cas explained, all the while avoiding looking at Dean.

_I knew I was alone. _The words stung Dean, but he pushed them aside for now. He needed more information and couldn't let his emotions get the better of him.

"What else? Why are you back?" Dean asked, still confused.

"I honestly don't know anything else. I haven't heard from an angel since I came back."

"Wait, so you've been back this whole time?" Dean asked in disbelief. "Cas, the lake was _months _ago. Where have you been?"

"A nice elderly couple took pity on me when they found me wandering around the park next to the lake. They assumed from they way I spoke and acted that I'd been in some kind of accident and took me to the hospital. I stayed there for a few days and the elderly couple took me home with them. After a few weeks I went out on my own. I've been traveling around since then, hunting."

"You've been _hunting_? Dean asked shocked.

"Yes, once my health was built back up I decided I wanted to help people. I had done so much wrong I just wanted to make some of it right," Cas admitted, looking guilty.

"Then why didn't you come back?" Dean asked, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. It was so clear, it forced Cas to finally look up at him for a second to confirm the emotion. The look on Dean's face made it obvious he had interpreted correctly and he quickly looked away.

"I couldn't," Cas said softly. "There was nothing I could say that would possibly make you forgive me."

"You're wrong. Cas, look at me," Dean said firmly. Cas looked up from the table, blue eyes meeting green. The look in Cas's eye almost broke Dean but he pushed himself to go on. "There's nothing you could do that I _wouldn't _forgive you for."

"I started the end of the world. I broke Sam. I betrayed you. How could you ever pardon me of that?" Cas questioned incredulously.

"Yeah, well _I _started the end of the world way before you did. I'll find a way to fix Sam, I always do. You didn't _betray _me Cas, you thought you were doing the right thing. But I should totally kick your ass for lying to me...and I can take you now don't forget," Dean said with an amused smirk.

"You never cease to amaze me Dean Winchester. Your loyality is unfaltering and I'm honored to be on the receiving end."

"Yeah, yeah. Enough with the chick flick shit now. We got work to do," Dean said rolling his eyes.

Cas looked at him with confusion. "Work to do?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, ya gotta earn you're keep around here Cas. You aint an angel anymore, so you'll have to replace teleporting with lending a hand in research to help out," Dean explained, as if it were obvious.

"You want me to stay?" Cas asked unsure.

"Well yeah. You're one of us Cas," Dean answered honestly.

"Thank you Dean," Cas said with a genuine smile.

"Sure thing Cas," Dean said returning the smile. "Now get to work."

Cas started looking over the papers Dean had spread out on the table and Dean went back to searching online. He felt genuine relief for the first time in months. Things were far from perfect. The world was still being over run by leviathan, Sam was at the point of a break down and it would take some time before he could fully trust Cas again but just him being back was a small piece of hope for Dean to hold on to. He'd spent all this time wishing he could just see Cas one more time to make things better and now he had it...even better, Cas was back.

I realized while writing this that I probably let Dean forgive Cas too easily (he's Dean, he's stubborn) but the story just spilled out and I rarely question my brain. I figure it's because Dean has already lost so much and he's already had so long to get over it so he just wants his friend back now. Plus I HATED the way things ended between the two in the first place.


End file.
